Be aware this post contains spoilers for Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, and The RIngs of Power. It also will contain simplifications of stories for the general reader, just assume I do know the fuller version.

One of the things which we hold onto as children, and then have to unlearn is the clarity of certainty. The world looks very binary through a child’s eyes, and it should. Indeed one of the harms of child abuse is that it forces adult choices and complexity onto a small human who needs the certainty to grow safely into a happy, resilient adult. 

Part of a child’s certainty is the division of the world not only into good and evil, but the belief that one can always know the difference. Bad guys wear black hats, good guys wear white, and we always know who is who. If it sounds as if I am deriding children as ignorant or foolish let me be clear, it’s a necessity for a child to start from this point. Just as a two year old who is loved and held in love, should have an ego the size of a small planet so a six or seven year old should have a moral certainty about the world which would make popes quail. It allows them to feel safe, to start on their path to independence with a workable road map, the origin point is solid, even if the world around is unknown.

If all goes well we grow, encounter complexity and nuance and detail in our map with more than the black and white of a small child, on the way learning about ourselves and others. 

If all goes well…

How do we react when we encounter those who harm or wish to harm us? 

How do we as therapists hold what we perceive to be harm, which perhaps a client cannot, or is not ready to see?

How do we listen to our inner voice when something seems fair but feels foul?

Stories are one very important way we engage with these ideas both inside the therapeutic space and out of it. However, even as a huge Tolkien nerd I was not expecting to encounter one of the most moving, and accurate depictions of coercive control and abuse in Amazon’s Rings of Power series. For those not familiar with the show, series two follows several plot lines, one of these is the relationship between a being of angelic powers, called Annatar, and an elven craftsman and smith, Celebrimbor

Celebrimbor is very interesting from a therapeutic perspective. His grandfather was Feanor, the greatest, in terms of ability, might, and craftsmanship, elf who ever lived. His grandfather also committed the first murder in the mythos, defied the Valar (think gods with a small “g” if you are unfamiliar with the legendarium) slaughtered defenceless elves, stole their ships, stranded his half brother in the equivalent of the North Pole, then died. And yes, I have opinions and am not pro Feanorian. Curifin, one of Feanors’ sons, and very much a chip off the old block, raised Celebrimbor in a time of war, vowing to murder anyone who came between the Feanorians and the jewels they wanted back. During this time Curifin also managed to support his brother’s attempt at the rape and forced marriage of Luthien (an elven princess), slaughter various adults and children, and generally show why making god defying oaths is a bad thing.

Celebrimbor was not a chip of the old block, renouncing his fathers actions he settled down  and became the greatest jewel smith in Middle Earth. According to the Silmarillion he wanted to outshine Feanor which is where my therapeutic ears pricked up. Obviously he did not have a happy childhood, even more obviously the desire to be better than his father and grandfather in crafting was a red flag.

Why a red flag?

Not because there is anything wrong in wanting to excel, or be the best we can be. Therapeutically I would want to explore  Celebrimbor’s motivations though, who does he want to be out of the, very dark, shadows of his father and grandfather. I would also want to ask how he felt about his mother staying behind in Valinor, and leaving him to the tender mercies of his father, that’s probably several years of therapy right there.

It is of course impossible to directly ask this question, but any adaptation has to explore it. Actors need direction, they need to have an understanding of what motivates, or might motivate a character, in order to transition that character from the page to the screen. This is often when objections to an adaptation decision arise, if we disagree with the motivations portrayed, or directorial choices. However it is still a necessary part of the adaptation process. From the statue of Feanor in the courtyard outside his tower, to Anattars repeated “greatest of elven smiths” it seems clear that the legacy of his forebears is one the Rings of Power wished to use as a motivation for Celebrimbor, his personal red flag flying high above Eriagon. 

What happens when an abuser spots a red flag? Research shows that those who wish to harm will “spot” our weak spots and exploit them, rather like predators spotting the slowest gazelle, our red flags are welcome mats, especially if someone is intent on harm.

We have to proceed cautiously here, and not fall into that childlike trap of looking for the black and white hats. This is because those who cause harm very rarely start from a situation of waking up one morning and thinking – what evil deed shall I do today. Indeed, they more often convince themselves they are doing good, that they are helping, that it is for your own good. 

When Annatar (who might be more familiar to some of you as Sauron) first appears to Celebrimbor he tells the elf that he is there to help him achieve greatness, to be the greatest of elven smiths (A title that Annatar in the show repeats frequently – “look how much I believe in you brimby!”)

There follows such a classic escalation of controlling tactics and abuse that I think it is worth breaking it down. It is probably worth clarifying here that these forms of coercive control and abuse can exist in many different forms of relationships, in fact wherever there is a power imbalance. Parent, child, boss, lover, spouse, housemate, friend,there does not have to be a sexual and/or romantic component to the relationship.

Isolation – no one Understands you the way I do

Anattar only wants what is best for Celebrimbor, obviously, because he, really, really, really believes in his greatness

How many of us have heard from parent, partner, spouse, boss, friend or lover

“I only want what is best for you” with the so often carried implication of “I know what is best for you” followed by “and no one else does”.

Isolation is a classic early tactic of coercive control, and a vital one as it removes the chance for the victim to check out their abusers behaviour with others, to receive feedback, and get a felt sense of what feels fair, or foul.

If we want a good example of how someone avoids manipulation, consider the scene with Aragorn when he first talks to Frodo at the Prancing Pony in Lord of the Rings. Frodo is afraid and uncertain, but Aragorn does not wish to manipulate him into a decision. He holds back while the hobbits consult with one another, giving Frodo time and space even when time is pressing and there are real and certain threats sneaking into Bree. Aragorn recognises the importance of an uncoerced decision, and that means Frodo needs time to check in with his own feelings and those of his friends and companions.

Gaslighting – You don’t know your own mind 

Annatar isolates Celebrimbor by manipulation and in particular gaslighting. Whilst gaslighting is a commonly used term now, it’s also an often misused one, so it has been very professionally useful to see a portrayal of it that related directly to the original meaning even as it has been incredibly hard to watch. The word comes from a 1930s British play, Gas Light, where a husband tries to convince his wife is going mad by denying her experience of reality – insisting gas lights are not flickering when they are, hence the name. 

Whilst it has been widened to include more general deception the particular tactic of coercive control which undermines someone’s ability to trust their own experience of reality is a vital and important one to identify. Gaslighting is not disagreeing, or believing something different to your partner. Gaslighting is a tactic used to make you doubt your own ability to know what is happening to you. Annatar has the advantages of a Maiar (think minor deity) and so can make Celebrimbor believe he is seeing a scene of peace and tranquillity rather than war and destruction. However this only differs in scale from the partner who says that you are too frail to work, or too mentally unstable to parent, and who denies your experience even exists. 

When someone is isolated, they cannot check out with others if their experience is valid, there is no one to ask if what they are doing is Ok or not. Whether we use terms like narcissism or not the point of the abuse is very often to make the victim reliant on the abuser, and the fact this is about the abusers own defence mechanisms and needs is hidden beneath the new reality they have forged, just as Annatar kept Celebrimbor deceived.

Blame -it is for their own good

Look what you made me do

This hurts me more than it hurts you

Look what you have done to yourself

The title of this blog comes from the season finale of Rings of Power and the almost unwatchable scene where Annntar tortures Celebrimbor. As with so many victims of coercive control Celebrimbor was at greatest risk when he broke free of the illusion. And as with so many victims turned away by police and statutory services the reasonableness of the abuser compared with the effect of the victim, often traumatised, erratic and far less presentable. This happens with Celebrimbor when he first escapes from Annatar, even for a short time, and the soldiers look from the concerned, majestic god like being to the clearly unhinged desperate elf, and clearly know who to believe.

There is a message here for all of us about who gets heard, and who gets condemned as mentally ill or unstable, how often it is based on identity not behaviour.

In the final scene between the two of them Celebrimbor is defiant, and dying, whilst Sauron weeps. Some people have asked why he is crying, since he is torturing Celebrimbor. However, that runs the risk of falling back into white and black territory. Villains rarely think they are the villain, they believe their own tragic backstory, and weep over the corpse of what might have been. They have to, because to acknowledge their own complicity and responsibility would bring the whole tower crumbling down, and leave them with only repentance as the path forward,

I am finishing this waiting to leave for a conference on how Tolkien, and fantasy help us to find courage in our own lives. Abusers hide from the reality that it is their own cowardice that means they cannot acknowledge the harms of their own choices.

“Courage is found in unlikely places,’ said Gildor. ‘Be of good hope!”